Response vs. Reaction

This was a thought that has been forming in my mind that I wanted to share with you all.

I had this thought begin to form as I’ve been working with my new horse, Phoenix. She is a rescue horse that we saved from slaughter. It is so interesting how God has been speaking to me through my time with her as she is on her own healing journey.

I noticed when I attempted to put a saddle on her that she became very anxious and nervous and didn’t want to stand still. Which was odd for her since she is so calm all the time. I allowed her a moment to settle down and tried again. I kept this up for a while each time inching closer and closer to see how close she’d let me get before she got nervous. At first it was just simply seeing the saddle would send her into a nervous walk. Then eventually as we worked slowly, I could get closer and closer until eventually I could set it on her back. Then she started all over because now it was on her back. I kept this up for some time of taking it slow and inching closer and closer and putting it on and taking it off when it was too much. That’s when I started thinking and I felt like God worked through it.

It’s not that she doesn’t know what the saddle is and that’s what is causing her anxiety. It is actually the opposite. She knows exactly what it is and that’s the problem. She already has a preconceived idea of what it is that I am going to ask her to do and that is scary to her. But the difference is that she is basing that idea or that fear off of what she has always known. What she has always known will be asked of her or expected of her. It is past tense, not present one. It is a reaction not a response. A response is making a decision based off the evidence that you are currently being given. While a reaction is an action based off impulse or even involuntary or unconscious.

 So, the point of going slow and intentional with each little thing allows her to find peace along the way and trust that this is really, truly different than she has known. It takes us awhile to rewire our brains, especially from trauma. When we experience trauma in any way shape or form it changes us. From that moment forward our mind remembers that experience and then it tells our body how it should respond when we are faced with a similar situation. But this time the mind has the trauma response at the forefront so the response it is giving is usually skewed because it has been altered and we are no longer responding to what is currently in front of us but rather what we believe could happen.

 It is a hard thing to spot especially in people because we tend to think those trauma responses are a part of us. They become so natural and so engrained into us that we begin to forget who we were before we experienced that trauma and before we know it we are the trauma response, and we accept it into being who we are. When in reality it is not who we are, but it was something that we used to help keep us alive for the moment. It can actually be reworked and we can rewire that part of us but it doesn’t come over night. It comes with us diligently taking inventory of ourselves and recognizing when we might be stepping into that response rather than our true self. Then it comes when we with us consciously changing our thought pattern or belief system to make a long term difference. Sure, you could remove yourself from that situation and it will help for the short term but you didn’t actually heal that internal wound so it will show up again sooner or later and it will probably get bigger and bigger as well.

So allowing her time to accept and embrace what I am asking of her each step of the way actually begins to rework her trauma response and rather than fear or anxiety she begins to associate it with peace and contentment. It also keeps her from escalating and skyrocketing into fight or flight mode because once they get into that mode there is no learning that will take place. Plus, we are looking for an overall deeper long term healing rather than the quick fix of the symptoms. I want her to feel safe with me no matter what I ask her to do and I want it to come from within her not because I scared her into it or wore her out and she gave in. No I want it to be because she truly has accepted that what I am asking her to do will be alright and she doesn’t have to think like she used to.

I believe that comes from sitting with that internal wound and feeling it. Let it be heard. Let it be felt. Let it be expressed. Then let it be released. No longer trapped in the confinements of your mind and your body. That is what I am working with her on. Is not running away from those feelings or shutting them down and moving on. Both of those are tried and true trauma responses. They both help in the short term because they help you move forward and not stay stuck, which is our nature.

 The same thing goes for horses. In the wild they are meant to be moving at all times. Even if it is just slowly. Since they are prey animals, they don’t want to sit at around too long and allow the predator time to attack them. So, they are designed to heal quickly. If that is physical and I would go as far as to say emotional as well. Horses grow something called proud flesh and it is literally the fastest growing flesh you’ve ever seen. It has one purpose. Fill and cover the physical wound as fast as possible to help keep the horse alive. It isn’t pretty but it gets the job done. I believe that the trauma responses that both horses as well as people create is similar to proud flesh except on the inside of us. We build up that proud flesh around those internal wounds and they work for awhile. They protect our heart and our emotions. We feel safe, until we don’t. Until we are met with another situation that touches on that still unhealed wound. Proving that we have a great defense mechanism but not a true healing mechanism.

I believe the true healing comes from taking the time each step of the way and allowing yourself to rework and retrain and rewire those parts of yourself that want to react rather than respond. Because you don’t know what you might be missing out on when you run away or push it away because you think it reminds you of something you’ve experienced before. You don’t know if this time it will be different. You don’t know if this time will be the time that actually offers you the deep healing you’ve been praying for and might be what sets you free.

So, my encouragement to you as well as myself is to take it slow. Don’t rush it. Don’t rush your healing. Slow down and allow yourself time to feel what needs to be felt. Then when you feel ready give yourself permission to release it and let it dissipate from your body and your mind!

 I also want to remind you that you are never alone on this journey. God is right beside you the whole way and you can call on him. He is just as thrilled to see you taking back your life as you are! You’ve got this! Let’s start ridding ourselves of that proud flesh that has grown around our hearts today and begin to allow ourselves space, time and energy to begin healing!

With much love,

Kaley