Authenticity

This was a very personal word, but I felt like as I am re-reading it, that there were other people out there who were feeling the same way and working through the same things. So, I wanted to share what God spoke to me in hopes that it would help you on your own journey as well.

You’re intimated by them because you feel like you can’t be yourself around them. That scares you because your deepest desire is to be yourself, but when you don’t know how to be your true authentic self, or you don’t know what your true authentic self feels like, then it is even scarier to be with someone while you are trying to figure that part of you out. It is scary because it makes you feel vulnerable. It is even more terrifying trying to be with someone who you are already intimated by and try to figure that part of you out, because you have this fear in your head that unless you are perfect they won’t like you or love you or stay with you or be with you… you feel as though you must earn this from them and the only way you know how is to “perform” for them. You put on your best act and you hope it’s enough and if it’s not, than you feel like you have a true reason to walk away.

Although, I think what scares you is, you are discovering deep down inside, all you want is to be free, free from this idea of performance-based love, so you are drawn to people who would allow you to express yourself freely and not make you feel inadequate. Which is fine, but then you find yourself not truly being attracted to them because they don’t offer all that someone else might offer you. You have believed that the right person is a blend of someone who will push you to be your absolute best but not require it at all times. You are now discovering to you that feels like someone who can hold you and handle you at worst moments yes, but even more scary to you is that means someone must love you even in your vulnerable moments and to you that part is the most scary of all.

Being vulnerable isn’t something you’ve allowed in your life before. You have shared your heart with complete strangers, but you won’t let those closest to you in. Why is that? Is it because of hurt? Trauma? Pain? Fear? It may be a mix of all, them but what it means to you is that when you find a person who you can be completely vulnerable with which for you includes being goofy and silly and funny and not so serious then you’ve found your match because you secretly are afraid that no one will like that side of you. You are secretly scared to let that side of you shine because you don’t want to be looked down upon. You have always wanted to be taken seriously so in all seriousness you shut down your playful side really quick and you are quick to hold on to your serious side, yet it is more painful for you to allow the other side of you to be seen.

Speaking of being seen, I know that is tucked away deep inside of you as well. You desire attention and you crave being seen and noticed, but only when you can control what that may look like. Only when you can control your reputation. You believe your reputation is always at stake when maybe, just maybe what people want most from you is your authenticity and your ability to be honest and vulnerable with them. I know you can do both of these things with your words and your mouth, but your actions are much harder for you. The art of vulnerability is in your actions matching your words.

Your words already so beautiful create a space of vulnerability and honesty and respect and you allow others to be seen and heard in that space you create with your words but what I need from you next is for your actions to catch up. For you that might look like not catching yourself when you want to do something funny or try something new that you may not be good at it… being vulnerable also takes a lot of trust. Trust in knowing who you are completely that you are willing to be funny or quirky or not good at something or laughing at yourself as you still know deep down who you are enough to know that nothing can take that away from you. You’re not going to lose your life or your inheritance or your promises or your anything if you choose to be you. I am not someone who will take those things away if you aren’t acting correctly or if you’re not performing to par. No. My child your happiness and joy and freedom are worth so much more to me than your performance or your abilities. I love seeing my children act like children and having the faith of children and the joy of children it truly is what I created them for. I created you to be full of joy and I want you to feel safe enough to find that in yourself and the world around you. How in the world would you be able to do that if I was always correcting you or punishing you or manipulating you? No, my child that is simply ways of this world that you had the unfortunate time of experiencing but that is not from me. I am not controlling. I allow all my children to make their own decisions and I hope you know that I will support your choice no matter what. I don’t care what choice it is or where it is coming from it you are making it I will still love you!

You have spent your whole life worried about making the wrong choice or taking the wrong step when all I’ve wanted is just for you to move. That’s all you have to do, just move. Just make the best choice you can right now and take a step and move forward in one direction or another. I promise I will always meet you there at the next step. I will not leave you and I will not judge you over whatever choice you chose to make I will just be proud that you chose to make a choice. Choices are prices less in this world we live in because they truly are what shape us. Every experience we witness becomes a part of us and shapes our path in front of us. I am not an all controlling father who sits up in Heaven judging every choice you make and condemning you for every one of them because I knew when I made my children, I wanted to give them free choice. I didn’t want little slaves who were afraid of disappointing me, no I wanted family! I wanted each of you to chose me just like I choose you. It wouldn’t be much if a choice if I made everybody so scared of failing that they all did what I wanted. Plus, where would all the personalities and individualities that I created go? I want you to feel safe enough to make any decision that you want around me and not feel judged or critiqued by me. And I want you to think about that in your future mate as well. If they are to show you love how I show you love then you should feel the very same way around them and you should feel safe enough around them to make any decision that you want to make as well. That will be the deciding factor for you my child! Look for the man that not only makes you the best version of yourself and can help push you and ground you all at the same time but also look for the soul that allows you such freedom in being who you are or who you want to be that they make you feel safe enough to make those choices around them without feeling condemned or shamed. My child I am beyond proud of you and the progress you have made. We might finally be reaching the end of this healing journey that we started on so long ago. Hold true to you an stay steadfast to my promises!

Deep down you want someone else to accept you for all that you are and see you for all that you are and all that you have to offer, you want someone to accept all of you… but how can you expect that from someone else when you haven’t even been able to do that yourself? Alright god, how do I accept myself for all that I am? How do I see myself for all that I am and all that o have to offer? My sweet child it comes down to character. Your character says everything about who you are. Now if you don’t know what your character says about you right now, I will tell you. You are someone who puts everyone else first and you put everyone else’s needs before your own. You stay and fight even when it gets hard and even when you leave or want to be done. You stand up for those around you who don’t believe in themselves. You speak up for those who don’t have a voice or who are voiceless. You are brave and passionate and kind and caring. You will go to the ends of the earth for the people you love and care about. You aren’t easily swayed and can’t be bought or bullied. You know when to stand your ground and you know when to bow out and walk away. You are humble and gracious and easy to forgive. You love without hinderance, and you help others want to better. You strive to be the very best and you push yourself very hard to know all and be all, when really that is my job not yours. You never run away from a fight that needs to be fought and you stand your ground firm. You love others well sometimes even better than yourself. You are like the cool crisp colored sky when the sun begins to show itself in the early moments of dawn and when dawn turns to dusk, and the stars begin to dance across the sky I see your face light up like a child who has never been to space. You have such wonder and delight in your eyes and you have a soul that wants to chase down the ends of the earth and see all there is to see. You love without limits and you show others how to as well. You are my tiger lily that skims upon the pond and your laugh I hear echoing through the whisper in the trees and as the night falls and the sun breaks you are ever pleasing to my heart and soul, for you are mine forever and always! I love you, no matter what you are mine!

I want you to trust me. Trust me that I can take care of your heart! Trust me that I will provide all that you will need. Trust me that I will be with your wherever you may go. Trust me that I will give you my words to speak. I want you to trust me. Trust me. Trust me yah! I want you to T.R.U.S.T me again!!