Boundaries with horses
We do not have to hold on to things just because it is something we have always done, or something that everyone else around us always does.
I was like so many other horse crazy little girls who grew up with absolutely everything being related to horses. I had read every horse book I could find in the library or that people had given me frontwards and backwards and again. I was the little girl who, every year for my birthday party, the theme had to be horses and unicorns and that included every present as well. I dreamed of being an Olympic rider one day with the most beautiful horse and all the people cheering me on from the crowd. I even thought about being a writer when I was older so that I could write my own horse books, just like the ones I read as a little girl. Not only that, but I carried a little notebook or journal everywhere I went because I wrote horse stories every chance I had, all growing up. I even still have most of those stories saved in a binder with my second-grade handwriting, or the more advanced ones when I was older with chapters that were typed and had pictures.
Now, the difference between me and every other little horse crazy girl, was that I was lucky enough to have horses from the moment I could remember. My grandma loved horses and passed that deep passion down to me from the time I was three years old. I grew up with a horse by my side every step of the way. From the time I could sit up on my own, to my first crush in elementary school or when my parents got a divorce in middle school or to my first heart break of high school or to when my life almost ended by an incurable auto immune disease in my college years, they were there with me every step of the way. I can honestly say that the main reason I was able to get through every hardship life threw at me, was because of my horses. They are so loving, kind, caring, compassionate, non-judgmental, always accepting, present-living, honest, truthful, trustworthy creatures that God has blessed us with. I believe they are His angels here on earth!
It is safe to say that, horses are more than just an animal in my life, they are my best friends, and they are my trusted partner and whole world. I can also say that they are honestly how I chose to interact in society as well. Now, hear me out before you think I’m crazy. I simply mean that I took the knowledge that I had gained from working with my horses and subconsciously applied it to other areas of my life without even realizing it. There were areas of my life that greatly lacked the same perspective that I applied to working with my horses, and I realized pretty quickly that I could apply that thinking to other areas of my life as well.
So, for an example to get you on my track, when I was in fourth grade there was a lesson in school that I was having a hard time understanding. Just to let you know I’m not a genius, but I certainly wasn’t a struggling student either, I was always able to hold my own and did well through school. But for some reason this topic in school was not getting through to me and I can’t remember the specifics, but I remember my teacher having a one-on-one moment with me. She sat down with me on the carpet to explain to me what the concept was in horse terms so that I would better understand it. She clearly knew me as the horse girl and had them herself, so she knew how to relate to me, for which I am forever grateful for!
As soon as she started talking my language the light bulb came on and I never struggled again in that area, because I was able to relate it to something that I understood, which was horses. But it didn’t stop there, as I grew up and continued navigating through school and social groups and sports, I can now look back and notice that I continued to relate everything back to the horse world for myself to better understand. Now, I don’t always remember it always being a big ah ha moment like that one before, but I do remember trying to make sense of the world I lived in based on the world I knew with my horses. I remember training my horses how I was taught to train for sports or taking care of my horses, how I was taught to take care of my physical and mental health. Every thought I had made sense to me if I could relate it to horses. Looking back now I had no idea what I was doing other than I had learned a coping skill for myself that worked. Looking back I can see how I have been using equine assisted learning my entire life without even realizing it. But the marvelous thing is I never stopped, I just got older and wiser to the point that I could start recognizing what I was doing and why I was doing it and I was able to help myself work through whatever it might be that I was struggling with.
An example of something that I’ve been working through using horse analogies with myself lately is boundaries, especially in my relationships. I have been through my fair share of relationships and through each and every one of them I come out feeling the same way and thinking why in the world did I literally just repeat my last failed relationship, just with someone different? Through the self-reflection process I discovered that I had different boundaries than most of the guys that I was with. But, while I was in the relationship I never said a thing about it or did anything about it. Then when I had, had enough and would just call off the entire relationship because I couldn’t handle any of it any longer, the guy was always so confused and shocked. Well, how do I handle break ups? I go back to my horses because they are my safe spot, no matter what.
The interesting thing is, when I am around my horses, I have very strict boundaries with them. So, a little background info, I grew up with Arabians and they are in my mind the most gorgeous animal you will ever come in contact with, but they are also considered high-spirited and free-willed. In short, they have a lot of energy and don’t like to be told what to do. This always led to me having to have very firm and strict boundaries with each and every one of them. Not only were the boundaries for them, but also for me, for my safety.
To give a visual, imagine the most beautiful horse walking beside you, head held high, tail up and over their back and their long legs prancing up and down next to you. Now, this is a beautiful picture, and it certainly has its time and place, but not all the time and really not that often is it productive for anyone involved. So, for the safety of myself and the horse I always had strict boundaries that any time we are walking somewhere, even if it is scary and new, they must walk normal and stay next to me and keep their focus on me and remain cool, calm, and collected. I would check this by stopping mid stride right next to the horse and wouldn’t say a word to them, and if the horse is watching you and paying attention to you then they will notice this change in you and will immediately stop as well, thus proving they are following your lead and not the other way around. Well, the other option is if you stop and they don’t notice you and they keep walking ahead of you and start to drag you, then you give them a sharp yank and demand their attention and then simultaneously begin to back up and they have to follow you. This regains their focus on you and demands their attention and focus and concentration, again for their safety as well as your own.
This is something I have always had a strong boundary with all my horses with, because they are huge animals and they are a flight risk, so if something scares them, I do not want to be the first thing they run over to get out of the way. I want them to respect me, which then leads to trusting me, which then allows the horse to see me as their leader, because they know I will keep them safe in the face of danger. Now, to bring this full circle and hopefully I haven’t completely lost you by this point, is to the time that I discovered I had more boundaries with my horses, than I did with the people in my life. Especially the people that I had been in a relationship with. I was willing to set strict boundaries with my horses and demanded complete respect and trust from them, every…single…time, I came in contact with them…yet… I didn’t once, set a single boundary with any person I was with. WOW!! Mind blown!! What the heck was I doing? How could I expect someone else to know my boundaries when I didn’t say anything about it? More than that, I didn’t even really know what my boundaries were until they were crossed and at that point I should have said something or done something about it, not just allow it to keep happening. Now, please don’t think this is about being abused or anything along those lines because that’s not what I am saying.
What I am saying is that if I was willing to set those strict boundaries that I had discovered worked with my horses, because they were what kept us both safe. Then maybe I should be willing to set those same, strict boundaries with someone else in my life and maybe I wouldn’t keep going in circles and keep dating the same wrong people or keep allowing the same wrong things into my life. Maybe if I took what I knew from the most comfortable area of my life, and applied it to other areas of my life I would excel in those other areas as well. Or maybe I’d even enjoy them like I do horses or maybe I’d even feel comfortable in them like I do when I’m around horses. So, while I’m being honest with all of this, this wasn’t a revelation I had a long time ago, it’s been pretty recent for me. It hasn’t always been easy for me to recognize the patterns in my life that I don’t like or don’t want to continue. And I certainly have not realized them by being told from someone else, those are usually fighting words for me. What I found is that, sometimes it is easier to just keep moving forward and stay busy doing something else and not take the time to sit down and reflect on our past hurts and begin to heal those wounds. I believe the true healing comes when we begin applying what we know to be true (which for me I learned from my horses and by my faith in God) to those areas of our life that we no longer want to hold on to. We do not have to hold on to things just because it is something we have always done, or something that everyone else around us always does. I learned to eliminate those less productive areas or even damaging areas of my life and begin to grow in new areas that are positive and life changing for me and I promise that you can too.
Although, horses have been in my life forever and I’ve used them to help me all through my life it never ends there. There is always something else to learn, there is always somewhere else to grow and it is honestly and truly, a never-ending growth process. But I get to do it with my best friends who don’t judge me or belittle me or make me feel bad. Really, in all honesty, they empower me and build me up and give me great confidence! Now, that is why, I not only know equine assisted learning works, from my first-hand experience, but that I personally believe in the process that God has everyone on. I believe that He created horses to help us get to where He’s calling us to! I always knew horses could carry me to new heights that I never had been to before, but they can also take you deeper in yourself and in your world then you’ve ever gone before as well. They are God’s gift to us and I am so grateful he has blessed me with the best!
With love,
Kaley