Limitations

For so many years I was burdened with the idea that I shouldn’t, actually no, I couldn’t, make or repeat anyone else’s mistakes. I lived my life in a constant state of fear of looking and waiting for signs that I was living out someone else’s mistake. I didn’t want to make the same mistakes my mom did, or my grandma did, or my dad did, or my stepdad did, or my grandparents on one side or on the other side of the family did, or my cousins or my aunts and uncles or really anyone for that matter. I think I can now say that I know where this mindset came from, and I think it was a sort of defense.

I wanted to make sure that I learned everything that I could from all those around me. I wanted to make sure that I was the kid that listened and truly internalized what all the smarter adults, with more life experience, were trying to tell me to stay clear of. Well, most of the time their suggestions came from their own personal experiences and the hurts that they suffered from, for good or bad decisions that they made at some point in their life. So, I grew up listening and holding on to and even making and keeping a list inside my head of all the things I shouldn’t do. I shouldn’t be with a guy who is like this or who does this or says that. I shouldn’t work a job that makes you do this or a boss who does that. I should definitely stay clear of people who act this certain way or look that certain way or say these certain things. I should never do this or that and be sure to be on the lookout for this or that. Oh, and also make sure you take these opportunities and do these things and those things while you’re still young. Or make sure you experience this or that and to always live your life to the fullest. All the while they were telling me these things, they’d say something along the lines of, “if I’d known this or only if someone would have told me that, or I wish I knew this before doing that, or I’d tell my younger self this.” All the while they were just wanting to tell me or remind of these things that they believed would help me succeed in life, and I was thankful for it.  Except really what they were saying is be sure to live your life guarded enough by learning from all their hurts and their experiences and then still try to find some room in there for myself.

I know this all came from a very loving spot and I truly appreciated it. For my whole life I actually would seek out advice from anyone and everyone, old or young, new or old friends. From all my time talking to people, I was always creating and reorganizing this list in my head of the DO NOTS of life. The problem is I’m not even that old, I’m only 24…and the list was getting exhaustively long, and I started to feel like I was being backed into a corner. There was absolutely no where I could go, no one I could talk to, no job I could work, no school I could go to and definitely no friends both guys or girls that I could have. All because of this dumb list that I had started to create in my own mind. I thought this valuable information would help keep me out of unneeded trouble and situations that weren’t good, and I wouldn’t have to waste time making the same mistakes that everyone else has made in life. I thought I had created the winning formula in life, just go around talking to everyone that you can and learn from them about what they would recommend you do and don’t do in life; and then tuck it away in this handy list in your mind. The hope was, so that someday when I recognize those same choices or those same problems approaching me in my own life, I would know how to handle them or to sidestep and avoid them entirely. I thought it made total sense. I didn’t want to be like all the other kids who never listened to a word an adult had to say and never listened to their life advice. I wanted to take it all in and develop and create my life around those things.

You see I thought it would keep me safe, keep me away from unneeded trouble, it would save me from heart break or from going down the wrong path in life or having my life fall apart in all the same areas that I’ve known other people to have fallen apart in. I thought it would help me skip parts of life and it would land me right where the good stuff was, where the pot of gold was, so to speak. No need to worry about bad decisions or choices, because I knew every single one that I shouldn’t make, and I knew how to make them better instead. No need for failed schooling or overpaying at college or those awful heartbreaks from those guys who don’t treat you right. No need for getting caught up in girl drama or life drama or family drama, because from all the advice I’d gathered over the years I knew what to avoid and how to handle it instead. Yes, this part was helpful, and I do believe it saved me a great deal of hurt and betrayal and distrust and all those negative and scary feelings. But there has been more than just those feelings and situations that by me creating this defense system, has done for me.

I can only say this because now that I am older and now that God is truly healing parts of my soul that I have never touched before, that this sort of defense is not all good. I am now experiencing where there are holes being discovered in this shield of protection around me and my heart and my life. I am beginning to notice these holes because I am wanting to expand myself and my life in the areas that God has called me to. The problem is, that I keep hitting this dang invisible shield in every direction that I go. I feel like a fish trapped in a glass bowl that can see where she wants to go, but can’t quite figure out how to get there because of this wall in front of her.  You see this idea of needing to know what to keep myself protected from was ingrained so deep in who I am and how I am wired, that I thought this must mean where I am trying to go is not good for me, or it would be working. If it was good for me and meant to be, then I wouldn’t keep bouncing off this glass wall I keep running into. That’s how I’ve lived my life up until this point, is by this list of DO NOTS. This played out in my life because every time I would try to do something and I would hit something on the list or this invisible wall, thne it was easy for me to say no or walk away from it. It made things easy because I knew if it wasn’t good for me then I should walk away.  Again, I think this gave me a great life and kept me safe and sound and mature before my time. But I also am discovering now it is not entirely true and accurate.

You see when God wants you to expand, He’s not wanting you to be comparing His plans to your human created list. He’s wanting you to test His faith that He’s instilled in your heart. He’s simply awakening parts of you that you have never dared to expose or explore before, because everything is perfect in His timing. So, when I started hitting this imaginary wall that I created, I figured this must not be what God wants me to do because when you hit something on that list then it’s an easy no. Well, the list has worked this far why would it fail me now? That seems reasonable, right? So, I thought. But God being the wonderful and loving and faithful Father that He is, reminded me that I am only human and the list I have created can only go so far before it reaches the limits of the human mind and capabilities. He reminded me how powerful and mighty and safe He is. That He is my provider and my counselor. That He knows the deepest desires of my heart and that I can’t reach those desires with the walls and defense systems I have created, because it would limit Him and what He wants to do for me. He also reminded me on a deep level of who I am in Him and who He created me to be. He reminded me that He knew me in my mother’s womb and even before I was born, He knew the plans that He had for me, even way back then. He has quietly reminded me of who I am by myself as well. He has shown me that I am not my mom, or my dad, or my grandparents, or my friends or my teachers, or my classmates. He has shown me that I am Me. I am Kaley, and He is so very proud of Me. Because He knows how hard I had to fight to find myself and hold onto myself, all throughout the years. He doesn’t want me to try and base my life around someone else’s insecurities and someone else’s self-induced limitations. He wants me to be all He created me to be.

He doesn’t want any of us to try and be someone that we aren’t, that also includes not allowing someone else’s limitations to become our own. Even if they are out of love and have the best of intentions. They are not God and they do not know what He has created you to do and where He has created you to go! Only He knows that. Only the creator of all the Heavens and the Earth and the Great I Am, truly knows who you are! He wants to invite you into your calling, into your destiny, into yourself! He wants you to be all that He created you to be!

Now… how would it feel to let go of those self-created limitations and self- doubt and self-defense systems, and allow God into those places and allow Him to tell you who you are and what you are created to do? How great would that feel? The wonderful thing is, today is a new day, and tomorrow is always a new day. God is in the business of showing up and showing off and He has such miraculous and breath-taking adventures waiting for you if you’re willing to let Him in.

Just know that God will never misuse your trust or your faith or your love. And if you’re afraid and still trying to decide if being vulnerable with Him is something you can allow, then I would encourage you to, TRY God. I would encourage you to give God the best you can today, maybe it’s your fears, maybes it’s your hurts, maybe it’s your anxiety. Whatever it may be, I would encourage you to try giving it to God and just see what He does with it. And He will continue to show you the great confidence that you can have in Him. He desires to have a relationship with you so badly that He has already done everything in the world, to win you back! Just remember you are immeasurably loved and wanted by God and He’s waiting to show up and show off, just let him in!!

With love,

Kaley